Kevin Wald: World Without Shrimp

A few notes:

1) This is a speculative filk written shortly after the Season 5 finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, for which it contains MAJOR SPOILERS.

2) Once Season 6 started, the speculations involved were, of course, rendered obsolete.

3) I had no particular tune in mind when I wrote this, but the tune of Shannon Caldwell's "Egan, the Harper Who Wasn't" works very nicely for the verse, and Shannon was kind enough to write a chorus tune for the chorus. Many thanks, Shannon!

My brother has also observed that the tune of "Rosin the Bow"/"Acres of Clams" can be made to work for this song; you have to put an extra foot into some of the long notes, and use the chorus music an extra time as the setting for the second half of each verse.


I leapt from the tower at five to the hour;
   At *three* to, my body was found.
How tragic -- except that you'll note, when I leapt, that
   Was not a straight fall to the ground.
It seems it's not mortal to leap through a portal
   To hell-worlds and alt-worlds; though limp
My body may be now, the essence of me now
   Is stuck in the World Without Shrimp.

     I'm stuck in the World Without Shrimp!
     (My soul flew right in like a tiny blonde blimp.)
     I'll get back somehow, I am sure -- but for now I
     I'm stuck in the World Without Shrimp!     

The changes one sees in the take-out Chinese
   Are appalling: the Lake Tung Ting Eel,   
And other things treyfish like Butterfly Crayfish
   And lobster chips just don't appeal.
A word like "deveining" defies all explaining,
   And comic books suffer a lack,
Some _je ne sais quoi_ that is missing -- aha!
   They've no Sea Monkey ads in the back!

     I'm stuck in the World Without Shrimp!
     (A world whose creator decided to scrimp.)
     The Iron Chefs suffer; their job's slightly tougher --     
     They're stuck in the World Without Shrimp!     

I'm back on two feet -- with no Glory to beat
   ('Cause there's only one Multiverse Key)
This world's Buff-bot was going to waste; Will thought stowing
   Me there would be helpful. You see,
Here the season's Big Bad is the huge, fuming mad,
   Thousand-tentacled, purple and gray,
Ocean-dwelling, at-least-seven-hundred-foot beast
   That in *our* world the shrimp keep at bay.

     I'm stuck in the World Without Shrimp!
     This Buffybot body's distinctively jimp;
     Now I and the tough, local human-type Buff
     Have to go save the World Without Shrimp!