Kevin Wald: Parody Tonight

Note: this was originally posted to the Xena Netforum in the summer of 
1996. (Hence all the references to the fishing scene from the
episode "Altared States", which was much talked about at the time . . .) 
"Cath", referred to towards the end of the parody, is "Cathbad", 
the pen name of another Netforum parodist, who at the time had just 
written a very funny Xena/Animal House parody; "Lollius" is my own 
Netforum _nom de guerre_.


[The spotlight comes up on Salmoneus, who is leaning against a Grecian 
column and chatting with a centaur. He leaps up to address the audience.]

Salmoneus: Greetings. Tonight we present to you a parody. Its tune is
stolen from a Stephen Sondheim musical, whose plot was stolen from the
works of T. Maccius Plautus, who stole everything he wrote from the
Greek Menander. I shall be assuming the Nathan Lane role, which used to
be the Zero Mostel role. [The orchestra starts up:] So, without further 
ado, we now present,

Something hysteric, something historic;
Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
[Indicates centaur and column:]
Something that's Deric, something that's Doric; 
Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
No brilliant thoughts! No deathless prose!
No pix of Xena not wearing clothes!
Something exciting, something with fighting;
Folks catching crossbow bolts in flight!  
Poetry tomorrow -- parody tonight!

[Enter Gabrielle, Xena.]  

Gabrielle [holding up fish]: Something allusive,
Xena [leaping to center stage]: Something obtrusive,
Both: Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
Xena: Something dramatic, 
Gab: Something with haddock;
Both: Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
Gab: No ancient scrolls! No slabs of clay!
No cryptic texts in Linear A!
Many a charmer --
Xena: Men wearing armor;
Most of them aren't all that bright.
Polish up your chakram -- parody tonight!

Gab: Something that's Sapphic
Xena: (Nothing too graphic);
Both: Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
Sal: Something that's hearty,
Gab: Something that's bard-y;
All: Something for ev'rybardy -- parody tonight!

[Long instrumental
section; I've spent a l-
ong time, but still can't get it right.]

All: Open up the curtain -- parody tonight!

[Curtain rises, revealing rest of the parody cast.]

Aristophanes: Something satiric,
Sappho: Something that's lyric;
Both: Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
Barbarian warriors: Something that's vulgar,
Women's chorus: Something that's Bulgar;
Both: Something for ev'ryone - a parody tonight!
Euripides: No royal curse!
Homer: No Trojan horse!
< Sondheim: That's from the song's real lyrics.>
< Lollius: Of course. >
Ephiny: Ancient obstetrics,
Argo: Non-stupid pet tricks;
Icus: Maybe an ancient Israelite?
Menelaus: Dorians and Thracians --
Xena: Flammable potations --
Melosa: Amazons and centaurs --
Gab: Protegees and mentors --
Sal: Socrates, Hippocrates --
Spartacus: Illyrians --
Titan: Hyperions --
Sal: Refrains --
Prometheus: Chains --
A. Quinn: Zeus --
Autolycus: Bruce --
Sal: Lasses, passes --
Xena: Brasses --
Gab: Basses -- 
All [forming a kickline]: No Latin words! No higher math!
No college hijinks! (That one's by Cath.)
Bucking tradition, buck-naked fishin',
Maybe a Hong Kong Kung Fu fight!
Poetry tomorrow . . . parody tonight!